It’s hard not to fall in love with someone who understands the darkest and dustiest corners of your mind. When it’s three a.m. and they hold you because you’re having a nightmare. When you fall and they run to pick you up and take care of you. When they make you feel like you’re capable of doing anything and every thing. When they believe in you even when you don’t believe in yourself. When they make you smile, even when you almost forgot how to. When they remind you that it’s okay to stop and look at the sunset and the seasons changing. When they make you feel like its okay to hope again and to take a risk and put your walls down and fall in love all again.
And it burns my heart just thinking about you being with someone who isn’t me, but then I have to remind myself that sometimes love is about being brave enough to let go instead of forcing something to happen.
I had a lot of reasons to give up on you, but I still chose to stay. You had a lot of reasons to stay, but you chose to give up. I can’t change what has already happened and need to remind myself that I should take it as a another life lesson and move on. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you anymore. It just means that I love you and myself enough to let go because I want us to be happy and unfortunately you are not happy with me.
I know I’m not perfect a perfect person. There’s many things I wish I didn’t do. I have jealousy issues. And trust issues. I can be moody. But I continue learning. I am faithful. I am loyal. Please don’t confuse my caring for being controlling. I’m sorry if I hurt you. It was never my intention. I wanted to be the one who made your bad days better, the one who made you say that your life changed since you met me. I know I make mistakes, but I own them and learn from them.
I want someone that isn’t afraid to admit they miss me. Someone that knows I’m not perfect, but treats me as if I am. Someone who couldn’t imagine losing me. Someone who gives their heart to me completely. And hopefully someday I’ll have the chance to experience that.
Faith can carry you through the darkest and scariest of times. Faith in God, faith in love, faith in the goodness of people, faith in healing, faith in the universe, faith in anything bigger an more powerful than yourself. And so, I need to let my faith be bigger than my fear. I need to learn to surrender my fear and allow my heart to guide me. So very little is worth the departure from peace.
Perhaps deep down I’m still hoping that we’d find a way to change and turn it back to what it used to be. Deep down, I still want to see the seasons change with you. I want to take the trips we talked about and create more memories. I want to continue to wake up in the middle of the night and hold you. I want to come home to you and enjoy the colors in the sky.
So, I just want to tell you that I’m happy you’ve stepped into my life, even for a short while. You’ve made me realize a lot of things about myself and for that I’m thankful. This is not a goodbye, this is a thank you. I’ll look back on this and smile because you are a beautiful crazy risk I decided to take. And the saddest part is that even after all the words that been said, I still don’t want you to go and hope we will be ok.
Writer prefers to stay anonymous.
