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Friday, January 20, 2012

If I Die Tomorrow

Today I had a thought, what if I don't wake up tomorrow.

I know my friends and family would have a hard time and they will miss me so much. I hope Daraun would take care of Picasso, after all its his dog too. I wouldn't be around to see Henry and Rebecca head off to college and make fun of them when they start to date. My mom, well... I can't even imagine how she would fee. I like to think that many others would be sad as well. And then... I think of how they might remember me. I hope they remember my smile, my jokes, daily inspiration.

But then what happens... is that where my story ends? Yes, I will forever be in their heart, but that's as far as it goes. I don't want a CNN documentary or the front page of the Seattle Times. I do however, want people to remember me for what I've done for others. I want to them think of the positive change I brought to my community, to those around me. I want to them smile and tell others how much I cared. I want people to remember me for what I've done. I want to leave something behind. That way, it won't even feel like I'm gone.

So what if I died tomorrow....

I had an amazing childhood. I've met amazing people along the way. One of them was August Wilson. He passed away a few years ago, but sometimes I forget that he's not here with us. Why? Because he left so much behind. Not just a family, not just memories, but his books, his legacy and I want to do the same. I want to leave something meaningful behind me. Not just a family, memories, but something for my community, something that might not change the world, but change others and their future.

My biggest work of art is my life. I'm not quite where I want to be, but far from where I used to be. But deep down, I know I can do more and I want to do more. I didn't do any new years resolutions. I think they're a waste of time. This last trip I took to Chicago wasn't exactly what I thought it would be, but definitely what I needed. There is something about taking a trip and being away from home and your comfort zone that can be life changing.

You see, I'm not the most religious person ever. I believe in God. I've questioned him many times. I got mad and walked away, blamed him for things that happened and had no control over. But I've always known he's there. Ever since my grandmother passed away, I've found myself talking to her. Some might think I'm crazy, but the truth is that when times are tough and I'm confused; I close my eyes and tell her how I feel. It helps. It really does.

So, this last trip was different for reasons I'll just write about later. Not that I don't want to talk about it, but I'm still processing most of what happened. It's a good story. The one thing I can tell you right now is that it made my faith stronger. I've been asking God for a sign, any sign. Just for him to give something for me to work with. I want to get back to my art, do more photography, travel, help others more, but I can't quite do it if I'm dealing with this internal conflict of what I should do, need to do, and want to do. So, I got that sign. Now, all I have to do is take it from there.

I need to take a leap of faith to reach my goals. To make that change I've wanting to make and know that if I die tomorrow, its going to be okay because I've done the most I can to make a difference. Just some of my morning thoughts.

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jaMolina
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