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Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Making up after the break up — should you give your guy another chance?

When an ex wants to get back together, it's natural to hope that things will work out better the second time around. Breaking up really is hard to do, and the pull of emotions toward someone you cared for deeply is often still very strong. If you are contemplating getting back together, use your head as well as your heart before you decide to give your guy a second chance.

Don't make assumptions

When someone wants to get back together, they may be assuming that you are now accepting them as they are, and you might be assuming that they are prepared to make the changes necessary to make the relationship work this time. You broke up for a reason, and, unless that reason no longer exists, you will be revisiting the same issues that caused the problem initially. If your partner doesn't realize or acknowledge what caused the pain in your previous relationship, the same actions will be repeated once again. Someone has to change to make the relationship work better this time. Ask yourself if you can be happy adapting your own behavior and expectations for the sake of your relationship.

A healthy relationship should make you feel secure. Don't change your behavior because you are lonely or simply to make things work this time. You could end up being afraid to question and discuss conflicts in order to avoid the pain of another failure. Sacrificing yourself to make a relationship work is an invitation to more hurt and disappointment. If you're at the second chance point, you will need to trust your instincts and make a reasonable decision based on the facts, rather than gambling your feelings on what you hope for.

What is different this time?

You've been here before, so you understand the pattern of the relationship. Are you clear on why things didn't work out the first time? You must take ownership of your own contribution to the conflicts you experienced previously, and make the decision to try again for the right reasons. Before you make the leap, talk things out. Good relationships are open to adult discussions of expectations and boundaries. You have a right to be valued and treated with respect. Remember that actions always speak louder than words, and any relationship without a basis of mutual trust simply won't survive.

With your happiness and self-esteem on the line, you need to decide if this encore is worth the effort and risk. Before you take that leap of faith, love yourself enough to be honest about what went wrong the first time and what must be different now. If your partner is willing to face the issues that caused your first breakup and consistently work for a better relationship now, then love can be even better the second time around.

Jan 09, 2012 1:58 AM by Vicki Clinebell
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